Narcoleptics across the world take heed - CANDLEMASS is back and your fragile grasp on consciousness is in mortal danger. The musical equivalent of watching stoned turtles copulate, one of Metal's oldest Doom merchants are once again here to administer another heavy lidded litany of lethargy, inducing the inevitable yawn by which they cram nearly 50 minutes of concentrated boredom straight down our unwilling throats; and damned if it isn't one difficult pill to swallow. Having been slinging their Doom for nearly 14 years (with a 10 year lapse of output through the 90's), it's impossible to say that CANDLEMASS have never done anything worthwhile; certainly their loyal fan base will attest to that. But overall the pickings of worthy references are anorexically slim, and their obsession with minimalistic monotony is in full force with "Death Magic Doom".

It's bad enough to be clinically obsessed with BLACK SABBATH, but to mangle their inspiring sludgy moments and regurgitate them ad nauseum and sans inspiration is too revolting for all but the strongest of stomachs. The track "Hammer Of Doom" is such a blatant mimicry of "War Pigs" that BLACK SABBATH would be more inclined to contact their lawyer than send CANDLEMASS a thank you note. Apart from that highlight - or lowlight, as the instance dictates - any other noteworthy moments on "Death Magic Doom" are nearly nonexistent. The music trudges along oh so painfully slow, repeating the same basic notes throughout the same slothful tempo over and over and over and... zzzzzzzz. When "Dead Angel" begins the unfortunate listener may snap awake just long enough to register in their disoriented half-sleep haze that 1) CANDLEMASS actually changed tempo a mere 2/3 of the way through the album, and 2) when you nod off with a keyboard as a pillow you can actually feel the indentation of "qwertyuiop" in your forehead and cheek.

But then "Clouds Of Dementia" begins, the eyelids start to flutter once more, and you find yourself praying for the blessed release of true dementia to take you far away from the ruthlessly repetitive realm of CANDLEMASS. And if by some sadistic stroke of fate and misfortune you're still coherent by the time "My Funeral Dream" kicks in to herald the blissful end to your misery, you may actually find yourself wondering why the hell they placed the only remotely entertaining tune at the ass end of the album where the listener is likely to already be sound asleep and completely unaware that there's even something here actually worth listening to. Regardless, it is far too little far too late; there is nothing Magic about "Death Magic Doom", but if ever we were faced with the Doom of never being able to listen to anything but CANDLEMASS, then certainly Death would be a welcome alternative.