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August 29, 2008 |
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NOCTURNE - Guide To Extinction
Triple X Records (2005) |
2/10 |
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01. Shallow
02. I Lie
03. Alibi
04. Passion
05. Walk Away
06. Indulge
07. Class War
08. Nothing
09. Dirty Sanchez
10. No Way Out
11. Dead Man
12. Cocaine Sex
13. They'll Never Find Your Body
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Man, where do I even start... You know the feeling you get from stumbling upon one of those increasingly rare, incredibly moving albums that leave you stunned, emotional and feeling like it honestly may have just changed your life? Well, the gasket blowing, colon wrecking aftermath of a three-day Chili Cheese Burrito binge can have the same exact effect; and NOCTURNE is that aftermath. I'm serious - excuse the metaphor, but the experiences are frighteningly similar: You start it all with a hunger for something good, but when all is said and done and you've just experienced the most painful, gut shredding, emotionally crippling 50 minutes of your life, you're praying to every god that comes to mind and swearing on your soul that you will never go there again, you have seen the error of your ways, just please don't EVER put me through anything like that again! Amen and Hallelujiah, brother - I have seen the liiiiight!
You might be letting yourself think, "Ah, they can't be that bad", but come see me after you've suffered through this utterly worthless, moribund commercial Gothic trainwreck and then we'll talk. Imagine a third rate imitation of the material MARILYN MANSON released after his shock value wore off and people started to realize how retardedly simple and nauseously repetitive the music actually was. Consisting of like-minded, "not being cool is so cool!" pseudo-goths, NOCTURNE try to force feed you song after empty song on this 13 track beer coaster without so much as an apology for not trying to make it listenable. Musical scrotégé Chris Telkes monotonously stumbles his way in circles with 1 or 2 drop tuned, palm muted, "they should make a 3 string guitar because I've never even touched the other 3" guitar lines, insanely annoying "beep-boop" keyboard ineffectuality, and an unfaltering 4/4 time;
the equally talentless Lacey Conner comes trailing right behind with her unoriginal, "Manson before his Addadicktome operation" vocals like a street sweeper from the Suck Corporation, making sure there's no trash left behind that could be mistaken for something musically redeeming. The inside cover claims that the never changing snare/single bass/snare, snare, snare, snare "do you have a headache yet?" drums are the fault of a real person named Gotti and not a 2 note drum machine stuck on repeat, but when it sounds that fake and contrived, does it really matter? Like a group photo of the gold medal winners for synchronized sucking, they slop their lack of talent together with an extra healthy pinch of suburban outcast, mall-haunting rebel mentality just to show you how qualified they are to join the "my dark, tortured soul rejects all conformity...but I'm spoiled and lonely, so I want to find other non-conformists to conform with me" club.
I will at least give NOCTURNE credit for the apt title of their album, "Guide To Extinction", because this sound is DEAD. And you have 13 chapters of reference here as a guide to help keep you from convincing yourself that this mindless, repetitive display of musical ineffectuality will get you anything in life other than being devoured by METALEATER.
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