How does one introduce an interview with GWAR? There's a vast myriad of different ways that it could be done, but rest assured, it had better be done well, lest they drag you kicking and screaming towards the stage to be dismembered in a grandly comical fashion. Heavy Metal's leading purveyors of over the top mayhem have been taking heads for over twenty years and leaving their rabidly loyal fanbase screaming for more...or screaming in pain, and sometimes both. Anyway, they're storming through North America this Summer as the headliners of the annual Sounds Of The Underground tour. May God have mercy upon the souls of those that get in their way.

First off, what are your expectations for the Sounds Of The Underground tour?

"I think it's going to be the fucking coolest show that GWAR has ever done. We're headlining, at last, after playing the halftime show for the first two years of this tour - a lot of great bands are playing and it's our greatest opportunity yet for GWAR to strut their stuff and show what we're made of. We're answering the challenge with what I think is the most spectacular GWAR show ever. We're absolutely, completely prepared to deliver the most devastating GWAR show in the history of GWAR! So I think it's going to be about the most amazing thing that's ever happened to the human race since the invention of Tupperware!"

Nice! About what can we expect from the setlist as far as song selection and length?

"Well, we've got a little more time to play this year, so we're doing a more extensive set. We decided we wanted this show to be kind of something somebody who had never seen GWAR before could check it out and get the whole idea of what GWAR is all about in one performance, so we're not only doing songs from the new record, 'Beyond Hell', but we're touching on all kinds of nuggets from GWAR's past. So it's really a great GWAR collective of all the great different music we've done over the years. I believe we're visiting almost every single album that we've done, so in a way it's kind of a 'best of GWAR' set, if you will."

What can we expect from the stage show? Who's going to be killed?

"I think that there's going to be the tonguing and fingering of dog's nether regions, several politicians, of course, will be put to death, LORDI's head will be on a stick, (laughter) Satan and Gor-Gor will fight for dominance and in addition to that, we're actually going to be playing music. So it's going to be absolutely the most spectacular GWAR show yet!"

Awesome. Speaking of LORDI, what do you think of them personally?

"Well, I mean, personally, I really don't think too much about them. They feel like what, a GWAR tribute band or something? But the fact that they're from Finland makes them kind of interesting, I suppose. We invited LORDI to be part of the set and he refused, so instead, we have his head on a spike."

Very nice, very nice. What was it like working with Devin Townsend on the "Beyond Hell" album?

"He's a complete freak! Devin is probably the hardest working, most dedicated producer that I've ever dealt with. He would fucking work twenty hours straight, dancing about in the studio like a whirling dervish, absolutely unstoppable in his love for Metal and music. He really brought us as artists and musicians to new levels and it was very, very sad when, at the end of the project, we had to put him to death."

So that's why STRAPPING YOUNG LAD broke up.

"(laughing) Yeah! He was telling everyone it was because his wife had a baby, but no, it's because GWAR, of course, had to slaughter him."

Well, he will be missed.

"He will be. I wouldn't be surprised if they came back at some point - we could always resurrect him from the dead."

Very good, very good. Tell us a little bit about the filming for the "Eight Lock" video.

"That was a really cool experience. We got a call from Lab Productions in New Orleans; they said they wanted to do a GWAR video and that they had access to the world famous House of Shock, which is a really awesome haunted house in New Orleans and we had just done a show in Houston, we drove all night, we showed up on the set the next morning, we filmed all day and then we went to the House of Blues and played an absolutely amazing show. It was really great 'cause you know, Katrina really ravaged that city and did it's best to drown it and it was great to see the creative spirit of New Orleans was, in fact, undimmed. So it was a great experience and I believe it is the greatest GWAR video ever made - the only GWAR video that really presents GWAR in the horrific context that we're most effective in. So yeah, that's the coolest GWAR video there ever has been."

What would be some of your other favorite GWAR videos?

"My personal favorite would be 'Meat Sandwich' because I directed it and I got to play basketball against Jesus, (laughter) but there's been so fucking many of 'em over the years, it's hard to tell. They're all great, but for different reasons. 'Eight Lock', because of the horror is the coolest, 'Meat Sandwich' because of Jesus and I'd have to say another favorite of mine is the 'Immortal Corruptor' video, filmed in the dungeons of the Slave Pit; that's another pretty cool one."

Tell us a little bit about these GWAR action figures - are they really just tiny robotic minions created to do your bidding?

"Yes, that you can wind up and then they will obey our will and slaughter the family dog. Unfortunately, we've run into some production problems with them - apparently there are not enough slaves in Hong Kong, but rumor has it that GWAR is actually going to be meeting with McFarlane on this tour and the rumor is there's going to be a full line of GWAR action figures put out by McFarlane Toys in about a year or so."

Excellent. Now since I've got a GWAR interview, am I going to be one of the "lucky ones" that gets raped?

"If that's what you truly desire, yes. Our manager has advised us to stop murdering the reporters - it would be better publicity for us if we let them live, but yes, rape is still part of the deal and I'm not quite sure what you'll be raped by, but if that's your trip, we can hook you up."

Well, see, there's a problem with that, because if it's consensual, if I'm agreeing to it, then it's not really rape.

"It's not really rape, is it? Uh... maybe somebody that you love can get raped."

Uh...

"Maybe your mom?"

Hmmm... nah. I think there's a cat over there - you can take that.

"If you feel like having sex, we can hook you up with one of the slaves, I guess, but if it's rape you're after, maybe you should submit your mom."

Okay, I'll put that under consideration... moving on, have you ever been surprised by the amount of mainstream media attention the band has received over the years?

"Surprised by the fact that we haven't gotten more. I mean, we really haven't done 'Entertainment Tonight' or MTV or been on the nightly news as much as we should have - I mean, after all, we are gods from outer space! You'd think they'd give more attention to people that are immortal, that have traveled the very layers of Hell, who have beaten Jesus in one on one basketball! You'd think we'd get a lot more press than what we get."

Well, the problem is that a lot of people are atheists and don't believe in Jesus or Hell - maybe that's why.

"Well, I mean, then I guess they don't believe in GWAR either or the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus, and what fun is life if you don't believe in Santa Claus?"

Oh, I believe in the Tooth Fairy - there's a certain dentist I've had to work with that's definitely a fairy.

"(laughs) I dunno. I think GWAR should get a lot more attention if you ask me."

What kind of attention would you prefer?

"Sexual attention. Swimsuit models licking my genitals and spreading potato chip batter all over my butt."

What if they were those rather large, extremely overweight swimsuit models?

"That's the kind I want! From Latvia!"

Very good. Just one last question - what do you think of your fanbase, as far as that there's a lot of people that say they will go to GWAR shows, but never buy an album?

"Well, I find them to be the most reprehensible, zit covered, disgusting, completely morally abhorrent creatures in the universe and I absolutely love them! Without them, GWAR would truly be standing there in front of an audience where nobody was there. So without the GWAR fans, we'd look pretty stupid. And I'd have to say that being a GWAR fan takes a considerable amount more of a commitment than any other band out there. Basically, everyone's going to think you're a complete idiot if you're a GWAR fan. So I love them and we're heading out on the Sounds of the Underground tour to entertain them once again with our filthy penises and our dead dogs and all I can say is hail the fans of GWAR, hail GWAR, hail Metal, we're coming at ya with a dick that's destined for the back of your throat!"

Is there anything else you'd like to add?

"Uh... belching, farting and fiery violence." [FIN]